oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
