The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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