I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
