I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
