I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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