I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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