I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
