Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
