does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
