so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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