at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
