I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
