please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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