Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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