you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
