Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Are my feet made of real feet?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
