when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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