sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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