it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
