he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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