mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
