I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
