I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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