just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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