I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
