Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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