my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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