I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My liver just had a heart attack.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
