how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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