She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
