theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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