It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
