you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
