Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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