i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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