Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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