he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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