I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
