Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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