And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You pole danced in your parka.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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