THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
