My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
