Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
