He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am available for nakedness
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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