I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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