He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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