Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
