I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
