I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
