fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just invented taco cereal.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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