So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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