I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
