My liver just broke up with me...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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