He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
