She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
