I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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