Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
