A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
