capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
