Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize