a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
