how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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