am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
