My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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