If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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