and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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